In Memory...

I have put off writing this post for a long time because it is so hard.  I really don't want to because I hate reliving the painful memories, but I know it will help me heal, so I will try...  It will be long, but I want to have a record of all the details since this blog has become my journal.

On the morning of June 20, 2012 my oldest sister, Annalee Austin, passed away at the age of 37.  Her death, which was quite unexpected, came two weeks shy of her 38th birthday.  Anna (pronounced "On-a"), who was born with cerebral palsy, lived with my parents in Newbern, Tennessee.  The afternoon of June 19, my parents took Anna in to the emergency room because she had been complaining of stomach pain since the day before.  The doctors discovered she had a hiatal hernia and since it was such a severe case they decided she needed to go to Memphis for surgery right away.  That night at about 9:00 she was flown by helicopter south to a hospital in Memphis where after several hours they proceeded with her surgery.  My parents anxiously drove down so they could be with her.  Complications arose and Anna passed away at around 5:00 in the morning with my parents at her side.  Although she was unconscious, they were able to hold her hand and kiss her and tell her goodbye.  They then drove home to wait a little while to call my siblings and me (to make sure we were awake).  I'm not sure how they were able to drive the two hours home being so emotional, exhausted and hungry.  My mom said it passed by in a haze. 

I found out later from my siblings that we all had similar restless and anxious nights worrying about Anna the night before she died.  I didn't go to sleep till about midnight (pretty late for me) and the last thing I heard from my mom was that they were at the hospital with Anna, but she hadn't gone in to surgery yet because they had to stabilize her blood pressure.  I tossed and turned all night and woke up at 5:15 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep even though Katie didn't wake up till about 6:30.  The first thing I did was check my phone and there were no missed calls or texts, so I tentatively assumed things were okay.  Jacob left for work at 7:00 and told me to call him when I heard anything.  I choked down some cereal and got ready for the day.  At 8:00 my first piano student arrived for a lesson.  I sat down at the piano with her and my phone rang.  I jumped up to answer it and saw that it was my dad, so I excused myself from the lesson to talk to him.  The first thing he said was, "It did not go well."  I knew as soon as I heard his voice that Anna was gone, but I didn't want to believe it until he said it.  He told me the news through his tears and I started sobbing while he explained what had happened.  Other things I remember from the conversation were dad saying, "We let the little one go to heaven."  He also kept saying, "It was so hard" over and over again.  We cried together until he said he needed to call my brother William.  Mom called my sisters, Louisa and Jana.  I told my student that I couldn't teach her anymore and took her out to tell her mom.  I asked her to please call the mom of my next student to let them know I couldn't teach her daughter that day.  (Both of those ladies are in our ward and were a great support.) 

I went back inside and called Jacob.  As soon as he answered the phone I could barely talk through my sobs to tell him the news.  He said he'd be home right away.  I went to lie down on the couch and cry my heart out.  Katie came over and gave me a hug which I thought was so sweet.  We had just started teaching her to give hugs and we always had to ask her to hug us.  It was a sweet moment to have her come over on her own and wrap her little arms around my neck.  I guess she knew I needed that at the time.  It felt like an eternity waiting for Jacob to get home from work.  (It's about a 15 minute drive.)  He came in and I noticed he was teary-eyed (he rarely cries) and that really touched me.  We sat on the couch and he held me while I cried for a while and told him what happened.  Then I really wanted to talk to my siblings so I called them while Jacob played with Katie.  It was good to talk and cry with them and hear how they were feeling.  No one understands losing a sibling like your other siblings, right?!  I talked to my mom later that day as well, since it was dad that called me earlier.  Then I tried not to bug them too much for a while so they could figure out funeral plans. 

Jacob stayed home through lunch and then had to go back to work since his boss was out of town that week.  I spent the rest of the day crying and thinking of Anna and calling friends to let them know the news.  I have to say that I truly have the best friends one could ask for.  One of the things that helped the most was having people listen for as long as I needed to talk.  I was also very touched by those that cried with me.  I think almost everyone I talked to that day and over the next few days, even the ones who had never met my sister, cried with me.  There's something so comforting about crying together.   It showed me that they sincerely cared for and loved me.  Jacob's sister, Rachel, and her family brought us dinner that night.  They also gave me beautiful flowers and some dark chocolate (my fave).  They were so sweet.  I received other gifts from friends as well.  Gorgeous flowers and more dark chocolate (my friends know what I like) :), a book, and very sweet sincere notes of condolences.  I received texts and emails from friends and women in the ward offering to help watch Katie or bring food or whatever else I needed.  I also appreciated all the kind words given and prayers offered in our behalf when I announced the news on facebook.  Every single hug, word, gift, or act of service touched my heart deeply.  I felt so loved and supported, which was exactly what I needed at the time (and still do).

Once my parents made the decision of when to hold Anna's funeral, we booked our plane tickets for the flight to Tennessee.  The next day was a busy one packing and getting ready to leave on Friday.  My good friend Cathryn Parker came and drove Katie and me around town so I could finish up some errands.  So kind of her.  It was a huge relief to be able to run in and out of the places I had to go while Cathryn stayed in the car with the babies.  I wasn't really in a good frame of mind to be driving either.  Also, our brother-in-law, Todd, came that day to mow our lawn, which needed cut badly.  We were so grateful to him.  I kept in touch with my family throughout the day.  I packed up our suitcases and every so often sat down to cry about Anna.  My siblings with their spouses (except one) from Idaho and Utah drove together through the night and arrived in Tennessee on Friday around noon.  We flew in to Memphis Friday evening, rented a car and got to my parents' house at 9:30 pm.

It was so strange walking into the house and not seeing Anna come wheeling out of her bedroom or having her there to greet me at the door.  I couldn't even handle going in her bedroom that first night.  I hated seeing her empty wheelchair sitting in the living room.  I was very comforted to be with my family and hug them.  We stayed up for a while talking, crying and going over plans for the next day. 

Saturday afternoon we went to the funeral home to set up the display in the viewing room and get it ready for the viewing on Sunday.  Louisa, Jana, and I were able to go in the back to see Anna's body.  It was a very emotional and sacred experience that I'll never forget.  I won't share details because they are so special, but it just confirmed to me that her spirit lives on. 

Here are the displays we had in the viewing room

her wheelchair

We wanted to show things Anna liked and collected: Barbie dolls, keychains, and lip gloss

We also displayed awards she had received and some of her favorite movies and music.

My mom's sisters, Anne and Ellen, arrived Saturday night.  We loved having them there with us.  They provided love, support and comfort that we all needed, although they were very sad as well.

Throughout our time in Tennessee, my parents had many visitors come to the house to bring food or flowers and other gifts. They really have had overwhelming support and love from their community, friends, and church members. My parents ran out of room to hold all the food people brought so they had to take some out to the church for the funeral luncheon. We were all thankful to not have to worry about cooking during that time.

Sunday morning we went to church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints).  They had left a space empty for Anna one last time in the row where my parents always sat with her.  Um, yeah, we all hated seeing that empty spot.  But it was good to see friends that all knew and loved Anna just as much as we do.  I know many of them considered her to be part of their families and they were all grieving with us. 

 The viewing was held that evening at the Dyersburg Funeral Home from 5-8 p.m.  My family stood by the casket to greet those that came through.  The hardest time was when my dad's brother, Mike, and two of his daughters, Dusty and Wendy, arrived from Indiana.  (Their sister Misty couldn't make it down due to new foster children.)  They were all so sorrowful and we couldn't hold back the tears when we hugged them.  It was very emotional to talk and hug and cry with all the people who came.  But we were so grateful for every one of them coming to show their love and support.  We saw a lot of people who had worked with Anna at the Developmental Skills Center where she went every day.  Several of her special needs friends also came, which really touched our hearts.  The men who drove her to her two part-time jobs in town also came through and were very sorrowful.  Practically every one that came by told us how sweet Anna was and how much they loved her.  I was also able to reconnect with my childhood friend Donna whom I hadn't had contact with in over six years.  I was so amazed and happy to see her!  When the stream of people slowed down some, we took turns going to the break room to eat.  We were all exhausted by the end of the night, but thankful for the kindness and love shown to us from all who came to the viewing. 

This was Will's idea.  Made us girls cry.

This picture of my dad breaks my heart every time I see it.  Anna was his first baby girl.

still smiling through our tears

Anna's funeral was held Monday, June 25 also at the Dyersburg Funeral Home.  We dropped Katie and her cousin Liam off at the home of a family friend where their four teenage daughters had graciously offered to babysit.  It was wonderful to not have to worry about Katie during the funeral especially since Jacob and I were both participating in the service.  At the funeral home, we had some time as a family to be together in the viewing room.  My sisters and I kept saying how we were in shock that this was actually happening.  I could not watch the slide show of pictures of Anna that the funeral home had put together or else I would start bawling my eyes out.  My brother, Will, gave a beautiful prayer which helped bring some comfort before we went in to the chapel. 

The service was filled with beautiful music and talks.  Jacob sang, "Abide With Me, 'Tis Eventide" while I accompanied him.  My older sister, Louisa, gave the eulogy which she had written with input from all of us of memories and thoughts we wrote down about Anna.  She was emotional throughout it, but she did a great job.  I don't think I could have given it.  There were other lovely musical numbers and the concluding speaker was my parents' stake president who talked about the Atonement and Resurrection of Jesus Christ.  We ended with singing the hymn, "Love One Another", which was a hymn that touched Anna deeply and always made her cry.  I could only sing the first line before the tears came.  I was so sad, but I felt great love in that room.  Everyone that came passed by Anna's casket one last time on their way out.  It was very hard to look at their faces and see the sorrow and pain they felt, but at the same time it comforted me to know I wasn't alone in my grief.  We gathered around Anna one more time as a family before they closed the lid.  We didn't go to a cemetery afterward because she was buried in Smithfield, Utah.  My parents decided to have her buried there next to my stillborn sister, Rachel, and my maternal grandfather.  They held a memorial service there the following Saturday for our extended family and friends in Utah.  Unfortunately I was unable to go, but my family said it went well.

After the funeral, we went out to the LDS church for the luncheon.  It was nice to be able to talk to friends and family who had come to support us.  Jacob had to leave that afternoon, so after we ate we headed back to the house so he could pack up his things.  I hated that he had to leave so soon, but he needed to get back to work the next day.  He reminded me that I would be surrounded by my family, but I cried again when he left.  I stayed for two more days.  My parents wanted us girls to pick out some jewelry of Anna's to keep.  It felt too soon to be going through her things, but Mom and Dad didn't want to have to worry about it later.  We each chose some jewelry, movies, and lip glosses that were items that Anna collected and cherished.  I also selected a cute stuffed polar bear so Katie could have something to remind her of her aunt. 

It has now been almost two months since Anna passed away.  My grief is not quite so profound as it was in the beginning, but every once in a while something will remind me of Anna and I just have to have a good cry and let the emotion out.  I love and miss her so very much.  She was always a wonderful sister to me.  My family and I truly believe that Anna is now in heaven and working hard to spread the gospel.  We feel very blessed and priviliged to have someone as special as her be a part of our family.  We are comforted by the fact that she is free from pain and suffering and has her full mental capabilities.  It is so exciting to think about what she looks like now and to picture her walking and dancing around.   As sad as I am, I am also thrilled for her that her test here on earth is over.  I feel peace and comfort in the knowledge that because of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, I will see her again one day.  It will be a joyous reunion!  I love you Anna!!